How to argue effectively in a relationship
Have you ever had a serious conversation with your boyfriend, only to get into a huge argument that ended with one or both of you yelling, shutting down, or walking away in tears? I hate to admit it, but I’ve had that type of argument more than a couple times in my life. But of course, that also means I’ve had a lot of experience learning how not to argue. Basically, I’ve found some key strategies for how to argue effectively in a relationship. Or, how to have what I like to call “successful arguments.”
Successful arguments are the kind where both parties feel heard, respected, and they end in a stronger bond between you and your significant other. Even if the argument doesn’t end in smiles and hugs right off the bat, if it brings you closer together in the end, it’s a win.
If that’s the kind of thing you’ve been missing out on, I’ve gotcha covered. After reading this post, you’ll learn my top 7 secrets of how to have effective arguments in your relationship that will strengthen it, help prevent blow-up fights, resentment, and dead-end discussions.
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Argument Tip 1: Create a foundation of trust and respect
One day, I was having a minor argument with my boyfriend. I don’t remember what it was about, but it wasn’t anything too major. At some point in the middle of it, he said to me, “I’m not trying to hurt you. I really hope you know that.”
I immediately said, “Of course I know that.” And I did. The thought that Cody would ever hurt my feelings on purpose never crossed my mind. But then I thought about what that meant. And I realized I couldn’t always say that about my past relationships. There were times when I genuinely felt like my partner had been trying to emotionally hurt me.
The fact that Cody and I have built a solid relationship based on trust and a mutual respect for each other gave me the confidence that–no matter how our argument ended or what it was about–we were always on each other’s side.
Even when we don’t agree, we know that we’re arguing because we are for our relationship.
Creating that foundation in your relationship is a crucial part of arguing fairly, and needs to be handled before an argument even begins. Knowing and trusting that you and your significant other are on the same team will drastically change the way you argue.
It minimizes the hurt feelings because you both already know that nothing said is to be intentionally hurtful. Sure, honest words still sting sometimes. But they feel less like a dagger.
This foundation also ensures that you and your SO can be open and honest with your thoughts and feelings without judgement or resentment. That takes away the fear and prevents either of you from bottling things up.
A few tips to create a foundation of trust and respect:
- Don’t interrupt when your SO is explaining how they feel
- Never use put-downs or name calling
- Make it clear you want to know how your partner is feeling
- Don’t guilt your partner for the way he or she feels
- Refrain from judgemental comments, eye rolls or scoffing
- Demonstrate that you’re listening and hearing them (nodding, maintaining eye contact)
- Always respond patiently and with a respectful tone
- Work on this foundation EVERY DAY
Arguing Tip 2: Start the conversation with an open mind
I read a book a long time ago by a man who was basically trying to communicate the weirdness of men to his female readers. One thing he said in the book stuck with me all these years. He said something along the lines of, “If a guy says something to you and it can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways offends you, then he meant it the other way.”
While that’s a pretty blanket statement, it’s usually true. Unless your SO is a jerk, they probably didn’t mean to offend or upset you. So with that knowledge, enter the conversation with an open mind.
Don’t assume your boyfriend knows what he did that bothered you. And definitely don’t assume he did it on purpose.
Always give people the chance to explain.
Enter the conversation from a perspective of curiosity and readiness to move past the hurt.
Being open is key to get yourself heard, hear your partner, and come to a resolution without a full blown argument. It’s a crucial part of learning how to argue effectively in your relationship. And it’ll take you a long way in other areas of your relationship as well.
Argument Tip 3: Listen to understand, not to respond
The hardest thing to do in the middle of a heated argument is to put your own responses on hold while you actively listen to your partner’s side. You’ve probably heard the saying before, “Listen to understand, not to respond.” (I mean, at the very least you just read it in this subheading.)
When you’re arguing with your boyfriend, it’s super tempting to listen to what he’s saying just so you can concoct the PERFECT counterargument to explain why he’s wrong.
But let’s be real. That’s not going to make your relationship any stronger or help you get to a resolution. Proving you’re “right” rarely makes for a better relationship.
What will help your relationship is to actually listen and hear your boyfriend’s perspective. Take a moment to chew on what he said. Consider his side and make an effort to see things from the perspective he shared with you.
That way, he knows you value his opinion and are giving him the respect he deserves. It also helps you better understand him, which is of course essential to an effective argument.
So, try it out. The next time you’re arguing with your boyfriend or girlfriend, actively listen to their side so you can see where they’re coming from. And ask them to do the same for you.
Argument Tip 4: Don’t be defensive or try to turn the tables
When you go into what might be an argument in your relationship, humility is everything. Even when you’re the one who feels like you’ve been wronged or hurt, you still need to remember it’s possible your partner feels similarly.
So when your partner calls you out on something, don’t immediately get defensive.
Remember my Argument Tip 1? Not getting defensive is much easier when you have that foundation of trust and respect, because it helps you remember that he’s not trying to pick a fight. He’s just trying to smooth out this little bump in the relationship and needs you to hear him out.
So, when he points out something about you that rubs you the wrong way, remember to hear him out without jumping to the defensive position. Accept that what he’s saying is truly how he feels, and be prepared to talk through that with an open mind.
But it’s important for your partner to show you that same restraint! When either of you gets defensive, it can turn into a finger pointing game real quick. And whatever you do, don’t try to turn the tables around on each other.
This article highlights some of the ways you might be being defensive without even realizing it. Some examples include:
- You stop listening to your partner;
- Anything they criticize you about, you turn it around say they do the same thing;
- Informing your partner they shouldn’t be feeling the way they do;
- You blame them for “making you” or “causing you” to do the thing they criticize you for.
I mean, those things basically never de-escalate an argument, amirite?
A good way to acknowledge your partner’s perspective while still explaining where you’re coming from is to say something like this:
“I hear your point and I can see why you feel like that. It was definitely not my intention to hurt you and I’m honestly sorry for ____. I think I tend to do/behave that way because _____ (and here, you can explain to your partner how their behaviors might influence your responses.”)
When learning how to argue effectively in your relationship, you should practice taking responsibility first, with no conditions. Then, you can bring up your own frustrations as a separate subject.
Argument Tip 5: Learn from each other and adjust
If you’ve been in a relationship for longer than 5 minutes, you probably noticed that you and your partner have some differences in communication styles. And if you communicate differently when you’re not fighting, the odds are good that your fighting styles are a bit different too.
For example: When my boyfriend and I get into a disagreement, I can get kind of closed off if my feelings are hurt. He usually takes that as a sign that I want some space and he should leave me alone.
But what I actually want is for him to sit with me, give me a hug and try to talk things out.
It took a little while for us to recognize that misunderstanding, but once we did it cut our arguments in half. Now if we have an argument, it usually ends with a hug, then we get some food and feel better.
So, how do you apply that to your own relationship?
The next time you and your partner get into an argument, be very aware of what moment things go from being an argument to being a fight. (You know, when you start interrupting each other, raising your voices and shutting down emotionally.)
Notice how you responded to your partner when things got heated.
How did he respond to you in return? What frustrated you both about each other? Did you need space, but he kept pushing the issue? Or did you insist on talking right at that moment when he needed some time to cool off?
Basically, you want to notice the triggers that set you and your boyfriend off and make you stop listening to each other. Then, when the argument is resolved and things have settled down, approach your partner with those things you noticed. (Be prepared for a raw and honest conversation.)
Work together to set boundaries and put strategies into place for a more effective argument next time.
Argument Tip 6: Leave the past in the past
If you tend to bring up old arguments during current arguments, your partner has probably already called you out on it. And if they haven’t, well. They will soon.
One key to argue effectively in your relationship is to make the argument about the current issue. When you bring up old fights or things your partner did that upset you, it causes a few issues.
For one thing, it muddies the conversation. Yes, men are wonderful and smart and we love ‘em. But, they also tend to have a one track mind. Keep the conversation focused on the issue you want to resolve right now to get better results and a more complete conversation.
You can always approach an old topic at a later time if it means that much to you.
Two, bringing up the past constantly is definitely going to frustrate your partner. In his mind, that topic has been resolved a while ago. Case closed, bada-bing, bada-boom.
When you bring up old issues in the middle of a current argument, he’ll be agitated that an issue that–as far as he knew–has already been resolved is still being held against him.
And a frustrated person who feels like they’re being unfairly picked on is not going to respond well to any other criticism or conflict at that moment.
So with that said, leave the past in the past. No need to throw old arguments in each other’s face when you’re already addressing a new complication today.
Old arguments vs. unhealthy patterns
There’s a difference between bringing up an old argument and showing your partner that there’s a pattern of unhealthy behavior in the relationship.
If you’re still mad he didn’t call you when he said he would last week, but you already worked through it, then you probably shouldn’t bring it up again.
But, say he has a habit of not showing up, calling you, or flaking out on your plans. That’s a pattern that should be discussed.
It matters how you approach this, though. Don’t just throw out something your partner did a month ago because you’re still mad about it. If you’re going to bring it up, make sure it’s something serious you’ve noticed that keeps reoccurring.
Argument Tip 7: Don’t make assumptions
Sometimes, when you know someone super well, you can fall into the habit of just assuming you know everything they’re thinking and feeling. While knowing your partner that well is awesome, it can cause issues if your partner feels like you’re not really hearing them out anymore because you think you already have them figured out.
One of the best ways to argue effectively is to let your partner say his or her piece, and not to fill in the blanks with your own guesses of what’s bothering them.
This lets your partner feel like you’re actively listening, instead of feeling like you’ve already checked out of the conversation because you think you have all the answers.
Argument Tip 8: Be prepared to not agree
In my younger years, I thought an argument wasn’t resolved until both people agreed and felt the same way about things.
Ah, young Sav. So completely unaware of how humans work.
So obviously, a lot of arguments end without both people coming to the same agreement. But that’s okay!
Remember: Winning the argument is not the goal! Strengthening your relationship with trust, understanding, and healing is the goal.
One of the top keys to argue effectively with your boyfriend (or anyone, really) is to understand that you and your partner might not ever see eye to eye about some things. And arguments don’t have to last until one of you moves to the other person’s “side.”
You both say your side, go back and forth a while to better understand each other, and then end the argument when you start going in circles.
Respect your partner’s opinion and remember that he’s his own person, with thoughts and opinions you can’t control. It wouldn’t be much of a relationship if either of you blindly agreed with the other on everything.
That said, if the argument is about a big, core belief you hold like:
“Lying is bad” ;
“I don’t think you should sleep with someone else if you’re dating me” ;
“Getting drunk and fighting with me every night isn’t good for our relationship” ;
“I don’t want a long distance relationship” ; or
“I don’t believe in marriage”,
Then not agreeing on that might hint it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.
You don’t need to agree on everything to have a strong relationship, but certain core values should be agreed on to make sure neither of you compromise on what matters most to you.
Argument Tip 9: Speak with respect
Respect is something we all owe each other, simply on a human level. And showing your boyfriend respect as an equal partner in your relationship is critical to having a successful, efficient argument.
You might initially think, “Of course I respect my boyfriend!” But take a moment to really consider the way you treat him when you’re fighting.
Do you roll your eyes? Call him names? Talk down to him like he’s too dumb to “get it”? Interrupt him when he’s telling you what bothered him?
You know yourself best. And you know what you tend to do when you’re frustrated.
We all have some bad habits when we argue or we’re upset, but if you truly want your argument be successful and result in mutual understanding, you have to respect one another. It’s non negotiable.
Argument Tip 10: End the argument with acknowledgement of each other’s feelings
I can’t speak for all women, but I think it’s safe to say that a lot of times, our goals in arguments are just to be heard. Sure, we might want some other things too, like an apology or for things in the relationship to change, but we DEFINITELY want our partner to “get us.”
We want someone to understand how we feel and give us some validation that it’s “okay” to feel that way.
Side note: It’s always okay to feel some kinda way. It won’t always make sense to everyone, but you should never have to feel guilty for how you feel. So long as it doesn’t make you treat people like trash or lash out at them.
And for men, their goal is often to a) fix the problem and b) feel like you respect them.
How to acknowledge your partner’s needs
So, the first step is to let your mans know what you need out of the argument. This is where “Argument Tip 5: Learn from each other and adjust” comes into play.
Tell him–very bluntly and with no subtext–what you need. Do you want an apology? Or do you need to hear that he can at the very least imagine how you might feel? Let him know. That gives him the opportunity to actually give you what you need emotionally.
Then the second step is to ask him–again, very directly–what he needs.
This is a good way to de-escalate the argument and remind each other that you’re here for each other. That you both want the relationship to continue and thrive.
Sometimes, all we need is to be acknowledged and understood. It’s in our nature to crave that connection, and if we can’t get it from our partner, it can make things very hurtful and frustrating.
But when that connection is there, and we do feel understood, then that bond gets stronger and stronger with every argument we work through.
Argument Tip 11: Don’t be afraid of space
This one goes out to all my fellow clingy ladies. I’m the type of person who really doesn’t want space from my boyfriend after an argument. I don’t know, I guess I think if I leave him alone he’ll start wondering why he’s with me and decide, eh, I’m better off alone.
But realistically, space is good after an argument. Some arguments need it, others don’t.
Even though I’m not usually a fan of space, I’ve found that after an argument, I stay in a bad mood if I try to stick around and be social.
But, when I head off to do my own thing for a bit, I almost always come back in a better mood. Basically, my sulking time is done in private–where my boyfriend doesn’t feel like I’m still punishing him for whatever I was upset about–and I have time to get over it.
Similarly, he usually gets distracted with his stuff too and gets over things almost immediately.
So don’t be afraid to take a little time apart from your partner after a big argument. Remind each other that you love each other and are glad you talked about things, but you just need a little space to cool off.
Conclusion: How to argue effectively in a relationship
And that concludes the list of 11 Tips to Argue Effectively in a Relationship! I bet you just can’t wait to fight with your boyfriend so you can try out these ideas, huh? 😉 Just kidding. Anywho, now you’re prepared with the best relationship tips to argue effectively, keep the discussion calm and focused, and you know how to get real results that will strengthen your bond with your partner.
Let’s recap real quick:
- Create a foundation of trust and respect
- Open the conversation with an open mind
- Listen to understand, not to respond
- Don’t be defensive or try to turn the tables
- Learn from each other and adjust
- Leave the past in the past
- Don’t make assumptions
- Be prepared to not agree
- Speak with respect
- End the argument with acknowledgement of each other’s feelings
- Don’t be afraid of space
If this post helped you out even a little bit, I’d super appreciate it if you shared it! You can use the buttons just to the left 🙂
Other posts you might enjoy:
- 9 Ways to Get Closer In Your Relationship For a Stronger Love
- 8 Caring Tips for Better Communication in Your Relationship
- How to Make Your Partner Feel Loved in a Long Term Relationship
- 10 Biggest Mistakes You *Might* Be Making in Your Relationship
That’s all for now! Catch ya next time, ya hot tamale.
