If you’re reading this, I wanna take a second to applaud you. You might have an amazing relationship with your significant other, or maybe you’re in a rough patch where nothing feels right anymore. Either way, you are online searching for ways to make your relationship better. A lot of people won’t take the time or effort to look into what they can do better in their relationship. So if you’re reading this for any reason at all, way to be a go-getter and do what it takes to make your relationship stronger. With those accolades outta the way, let’s get started! After this post, you’ll know some of the biggest and most common mistakes people make in a relationship, what to look out for, and how to fix those mistakes if you’re making them.
While this is more specifically geared toward my fellow women folk, these tips can be used to help anyone in a relationship.
This post contains affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, but I may make a commission payment from anything you buy through these links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases at NO extra cost to you. All opinions remain my own.
Top books for couples
Related reading
I’m guessing you’ve got a lotta love for some special, right? Well you’re in luck! This post is part of a four-part series on how to make your relationship stronger. While this post deals specifically with common relationship mistakes, the other three posts are related. The point of each post is to help you strengthen your relationship and give you the best chance at a happy, healthy and lasting relationship. To read the other posts, just click the links below! 🙂
- 8 Caring Tips for Better Communication in Your Relationship
- 9 Ways to Get Closer in Your Relationship for a Stronger Love
- How to Make Your Partner Feel Loved in a Long Term Relationship
Relationship Mistake 1: You’re not letting them do their thing
Sometimes in relationships, you get so wrapped up in each other that you can forget your partner is their own person with their own interests. Your lives won’t revolve around each other every hour, and that’s actually a good thing. And healthy.
Next time your significant other needs some time to do something for themselves, support it! Give them their space to do that thing without expecting too much from them.
Giving your SO space to pursue their own interests strengthens the relationship because it’ll make them that much happier and excited to spend time with you when they’re done. They’ll appreciate your understanding and feel like they have the freedom to be themselves.
Relationship Mistake 2: You haven’t established boundaries with other people
This tip might not make me a ton of friends, but I’m gonna go ahead and say it anyway.
A great way to grow apart from your partner is to grow closer to someone else.
If you’re looking for things to do to strengthen your romantic relationship, then strengthening your relationships with other people of the opposite sex is not one of them.
Take the time to create boundaries that work for both you and your SO and stick to them. Every couple has different boundaries, so your boundaries might not look the same as your friend and her SO.
That’s okay! Just figure out what you and your partner are comfortable with. For my boyfriend and me, we keep a pretty tight circle. I don’t hang out with other guys without him, and he doesn’t go hang out with other girls either. We also don’t text or message with people of the opposite sex.
It’s not that we don’t trust each other, but we made the decision before we were even officially together that our relationship would be much stronger if there was never any doubt about where our affection and loyalty lies.
We both still have friends of the opposite sex, but now those people are friends to us both.
You and your SO will have to figure out what works best for you both. The point isn’t to create boundaries that cut you off from all your friends (don’t ever do that!), but the point is to make sure you and your SO are on the same page with who and what you’re comfortable with.
Pro tip: Wondering how to know if you’re respecting your relationship’s boundaries? I read somewhere that if you find yourself deleting text messages to someone else, you’ve probably already crossed the line. Like my boyfriend says: “The boundaries you create for with other people shows me how much you respect the relationship.” Make the boundaries count, peeps.
Relationship Mistake 3: You’re not letting them put you first
Yup, I’m not gonna remind you to be good to your SO. Hopefully that’s second nature to you by now. Instead, I’m gonna remind you to let them spoil you.
If you’re like me, you have a much easier time making sacrifices than you do accepting them from someone else.
I used to feel like a burden anytime my boyfriend did something for me. Cody had to explain that it made him happy and that he wanted to take care of me. We actually had to have a kinda serious talk about it. Because to him it was important to take care of me, while I was struggling to not feel like an inconvenience every time he went out of his way for me.
Now, I know that he likes to put me first as much as I like to put him first. We enjoy doing things for each other!
So when your SO does things for you, LET THEM. Don’t steal that opportunity from your babe just because being on the receiving end of kindness makes you feel uncomfortable.
Think about how good you feel when you get to do something nice or helpful for your boyfriend, and understand that he feels the same way when he gets to take care of you too.
Relationship Mistake 4: You’re staying quiet about things that bother you
Stop trying to be a “cool girlfriend” when there are legitimate issues bothering you.
For real. Stop.
Being “cool” in a relationship is overrated. Yes, be his peace. Yes, be as kind and loving and supportive and trusting as possible. Definitely be his best friend. Don’t start an argument over every little thing. Choose your fights very wisely.
But don’t put the title of being “the cool, laid-back girlfriend” before your happiness.
Lemme give you some examples of when being too laid back is unreasonable.
I know some girls who never said a word when their boyfriend…
- 1) basically never made time for them even though they literally lived on the same college campus,
- 2) consistently didn’t do their school work and had their girlfriend do it for them (like. what??),
- 3) went out all night for an ex-stripper’s birthday party and didn’t invite their girlfriend,
- 4) got too drunk at a friend’s house to drive home to make it to their girlfriend’s 21st birthday dinner.
Side note: All these lovely women are out of those relationships now and with someone who loves them and treats them right.
While tough conversations are uncomfortable in the moment, they beat the alternative: Which is either blowing up after that behavior continues, or just having to deal with that behavior forever.
If you don’t like something, say so. Your SO would probably rather have an unhappy conversation than find out you’ve been unhappy about something months down the road.
Are you annoyed when he shows up late without calling? Tell him.
Do you wish he would hold your hand and be more affectionate? Let ‘im know.
Does it bother you when he likes random girls’ bikini pics on Instagram? Inform the man, gosh dang it!
As much as men would probably love to be able to read our minds and know exactly what to do, they don’t. You have to tell them, in no uncertain terms, exactly what you want and don’t want.
It’ll save you the hurt feelings and unnecessary anger, and it will save him the frustration of feeling like he just can’t figure you out.
And you know what’s really cool? Having open, honest communication with your boyfriend so you get the relationship you WANT and DESERVE.
Relationship Mistake 5: You try to change them
Trying to change your partner is basically never a good idea.
Don’t get me wrong–pushing your significant other to be a better person or challenging him to grow is all good. Oftentimes, those kinds of changes often happen pretty naturally in relationships.
But one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship is to try to change your partner into someone else completely.
If you’ve never seen New Girl, I highly suggest watching it. But there’s an episode when the main character (Jess) tries to make her boyfriend (Nick) into a more “responsible adult.” Not to spoil the episode, but it doesn’t quite workout the way she wants it to.
He ends up feeling like she’s constantly trying to “fix him,” and she has to come to the realization that he is who he is. She shouldn’t try to change him into someone she thinks he should be.
And you shouldn’t do that to your person either.
Take him for exactly who he is, or leave him. People do change, but not that much. He may grow and become more mature, but fundamentally he’ll be more or less the same at his core. And odds are he’ll resent you for trying to make him into someone else.
Love him or leave him, but it’s not fair to try to force him to become someone else.
Relationship Mistake 6: You talk badly about your partner to others
For the love of all good things, do NOT sit around trash talking your partner to other people. Even just general complaints can cause a lot of damage to your relationship.
If you have an issue with your partner, sit them down and have an adult conversation about it. When every coffee date with a friend turns into a “my SO sucks” conversation, it just feeds negativity into the relationship even further.
Not to mention it keeps you focused solely on everything you perceive your partner to be doing wrong.
While you might feel relieved at getting to let all those annoyances off your chest, it does no good for your relationship. Now, your friends see your SO as badly as you do, your SO still doesn’t know he’s bothering you.
Be cautious with “teasing” your SO publicly
Talking badly about your partner doesn’t just mean complaining to friends though. Even passive aggressive teasing can be hurtful.
If you’ve done it or been on the receiving end of it, you probably know what I’m talking about. Passive aggressive teasing usually sounds like a joke, but it’s at someone else’s expense and has a personal dig to it that gets your point across.
As they say: Every “I’m just kidding!” has a little bit of truth to it.
When you’re out in public, don’t make your partner the butt of your jokes. Refrain from teasing about what a bad driver they are while you’re in a car full of friends. Leave the jokes about your girlfriend’s absentmindedness out of the conversation.
Whatever “joking” complaint you have, keep it to yourself until you’re alone with your SO and can talk about it without him or her feeling like they’re being picked on.
No one likes to have their flaws called out in public, even jokingly. Show the world you’re on each other’s side. Keep a united front, and you’ll be stronger than ever.
Relationship Mistake 7: You’ve overly critical
Negativity is never fun to be around. Whether you’re complaining about your SO, how hot and stuffy the car is since the AC broke, or the food at the restaurant, don’t create that atmosphere of negativity. Look on the bright side whenever possible, and choose to focus on those things.
When it comes to relationships, this article in Psychology Today referenced a research study from relationship guru John Gottman, which tried to predict whether a married couple would last, or divorce. Basically, the research suggested the best marriage relationships had a ratio of 5 positive comments for every 1 negative comment. The ratio for couples who didn’t stay together was about 1 positive comment for every 1 negative comment.
Research proves it: the more positive you are and the more you call out the good in your partner, the better off your relationship will be.
And in more general terms, positive people are naturally easier to be close to. When you choose to exude positivity and a positive atmosphere, people will want to be closer to you. Especially your SO. In a world of negativity, be the bright spot in your babe’s day.
You don’t have to never say what you’re thinking, but if you’re between a complaint and a more neutral statement, go with the neutral statement.
“Ugh, you’re always on your phone when I’m trying to talk to you. It’s really annoying.” versus “Hey, babe, could you put your phone away for our dinner? I just really want to spend some time with you.”
One feels like an attack with a dose of insult (your behavior is annoying), while the second one feels like a request with some love (I want to spend time with you).
Relationship Mistake 8: You pass judgement too easily
Keeping an open mind and stopping judgemental thoughts are super beneficial things to do to make your relationship stronger.
Making your own partner feel uncomfortable to be themselves is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your relationship. It creates a distance between you when your partner doesn’t feel like he can actually say what he wants.
In a worst case scenario, he might even start confiding in other people who aren’t you, so he can be his real self. I’m not trying to scare you or suggest your partner would be unfaithful, but in other words you might not be his go-to best friend anymore.
Whether it’s your partner’s past decisions or their current opinions and life choices, don’t be judgemental. That will only make them feel defensive and closed off from you.
By loving and accepting them exactly as they are, you’re showing them they’re safe with you. Be that one person who they feel they can be themselves with.
The bottom line is this: If you like him, keep him. If you feel like there’s a lot, or some crucial parts of him you constantly wish were different, then it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
It’s totally fair for there to be some things you just can’t deal with. Those are the “deal breaker” qualities. Like if your boyfriend is a pathological liar, If your partner has those aspects, it’s okay to not like those specific things. But you have to decide if you can live with them and stop criticizing him for those things. If not, then the relationship might need to end.
Because you cannot change him, and he will get fed up with you trying to.
Relationship Mistake 9: You’re only open to one single version of your partner
If your relationship lasts longer than a year, chances are you’ll encounter different versions of your SO.
There are “small versions” of your significant other, like who they are during stressful days or when you’re all out to dinner with your parents.
But there are also bigger, different versions of your SO that you might not have experienced yet. And knowing in advance that your partner will change throughout time helps you be open to loving that version.
One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is expecting their SO to stay exactly the same. Then, when their partner changes, they don’t know how to handle it. It causes a lot of break ups. That’s pretty normal and not necessarily a bad thing if you’ve figured out you’re not compatible anymore.
But once you’re married, the commitment level is different. Understand that your partner will be a different person at different times in their life. (When they become a mom or dad, when they lose their job or get a new one, when they start questioning their religious beliefs, when they end up in the hospital and can’t walk without assistance for 6 months, etc.)
Life happens. Circumstances bring up different versions of ourselves as we try to adapt to life’s curveballs. Make the decision early on to love your partner regardless of how they change.
Knowing in advance helps you prepare and take a more logical look at those changes when they come, instead of being completely blindsided that your former Chicken Wing Eating Champion boyfriend is now a vegan who does yoga at 6 a.m. every morning.
Relationship Mistake 10: You take them for granted
From time to time, everyone takes their special someone for granted. You don’t want to, but it just happens as you grow more confident in the relationship.
You’re partner is so awesome, and you love him! But as time goes on, you slowly stop noticing the little things he does that used to make you all googly-eyed over him. Eventually, those wonderful attributes and habits of his just become expected, and your appreciation slowly settles to indifference.
Or, maybe you’re too busy noticing the things he does that you don’t like instead of seeing the good things. This little joy-killer is called the “negativity effect.” It refers to the way we respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than we do positive ones.
In relationships, the negativity effect might cause you to notice the teensy handful of things you don’t like about your partner, more than the numerous things you do like about him that have faded into the background of your mind.
Taking your partner for granted is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your relationship. Taking your partner for granted might look like:
- Just assuming that your partner will be around forever, no matter what you do or how you treat them.
- Putting work, friends, or other activities before your partner.
- Not keeping your promises.
- Getting more than you’re giving.
- Not sharing financial responsibilities.
- No longer taking the time to listen to your partner’s needs.
- You stop saying thank you.
When your partner recognizes they’re being taken for granted (and they will), feelings of resentment start to build. Eventually, this will likely lead to the end of the relationship.
When you catch yourself taking your partner for granted, pause for a moment and consider the idea that you are profoundly blessed to be with that person. Imagine what life would be like without them. Or, imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with your friend’s boyfriend–who your entire group of friends low-key hates.
I used to be in a relationship where I was so unhappy that I literally stopped wearing mascara because I cried so often. While I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time with someone who didn’t really care about me, I’m grateful for the experience because it showed me just how hard it is to find someone truly amazing.
Now that I have someone truly amazing, I appreciate his love, loyalty, affection and friendship more than I probably ever could have if I hadn’t gone through such a broken relationship earlier in life.
The point is this: Take every opportunity to notice and appreciate all your significant other is and does. They won’t ever be perfect, but the more appreciation you show for them, the better and stronger you’ll be together.
Conclusion to the biggest relationships you might be making in your relationship
That wraps up today’s post, lovelies! Now you have an idea of what mistakes to look out for in your own relationship, and how you can remedy those mistakes for a stronger, happier relationship. To recap, the 10 biggest mistakes you *might* be making in your relationship are:
- You’re not letting them do their thing
- You haven’t established boundaries with other people
- You’re not letting them put you first
- You’re staying quiet about things that bother you
- You trying to change them
- You talk badly about your partner to others
- You’re overly critical
- You pass judgement too easily
- You’re only open to one single version of your partner
- You take them for granted
Whatever your relationship looks like today, remember it can always get better. Be kind to yourself and to your partner. Nobody’s perfect, and it’s important to give each other the grace to make mistakes. That’s how you get closer and grow together.
If this post was helpful to you, I’d super appreciate it if you shared it! The share buttons are just to the left and would be a great help to this one-woman-show 🙂
Related Reading:
- 8 Caring Tips for Better Communication in Your Relationship
- 9 Ways to Get Closer in Your Relationship for a Stronger Love
- How to Make Your Partner Feel Loved in a Long Term Relationship
Til next time, ya hot tamales.
Love, hugs and good vibes,
<3 Sav
