How to Make Your Partner Feel Loved in a Long Term Relationship

Woman and man holding hands in casual wear

Y’know what I hate? Like, really truly hate? The trope of the “old married couple who has zero fun together.” It presents a depressing idea of what marriage has to look like. And to be honest, it just seems like a cop-out for people who are in a long term relationship and have gotten too lazy to really try anymore. But if you’re reading this, I’m willing to bet you DON’T want to be that couple. You want to know how to make your partner feel loved in a long term relationship–not feel bored or indifferent.You want to avoid–at all costs–becoming that scene in a movie when the wife trash talks her husband over margaritas with the girls, while her husband is at a bar complaining about “the ole ball and chain.”

Here’s the thing: that trope exists because sadly, it’s a common reality. When couples are together a long time, that “spark” goes away. Oftentimes, resentment of some kind or other sets in. He gets lazy loving her, and she puts his needs on the backburner.

And then, the average couple just assumes, “Well. This is how it is now. We still love each other, we just don’t feel in love anymore.”

Well, my lovely reader, I’m here to tell you that does NOT have to be your reality. Whether you’re entering a phase in your relationship that feels lacking in love, or you want to make sure you and your honey bunny keep your love bright and strong, I’ve got you covered. Today, I’m sharing with you my best tips on love to keep your relationship strong and better than ever. After this post, you’ll know my essential keys for how to best make your partner feel loved, regardless of how long you’ve been together.

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My top reading picks for couples!

Loving Tip 1: Do their favorite things with them

You know when you watch a movie and you LOVE it, and you just gotta share it with someone? Or you get all excited because you’ve finally found a fitness class that works for you and you really want your friend to try it with you?

As humans, we want to share the things we love with the people we love. So it’s important that you give your significant other that opportunity to share their passions and interests with you.

You don’t have to love it as much as they do, and you don’t have to participate every single time. But you don’t wanna dismiss their interests either!

For example, if your partner wants to watch a movie with you that doesn’t interest you, make them feel loved by watching it anyway. If your partner wants to go out on a Friday night and you’re not into that, show them love by agreeing to go with them for a few hours.

The key here isn’t to get all-involved in everything your partner is doing. It’s also not to pretend you love something you don’t. It’s always good to have your own separate interests that give you some “you” time.

The point is, you want to to let your partner know that you’re not just in this relationship for the parts that are fun for you. You’re in it for them and their happiness too.

So if their happiness means sacrificing your 5th Friday night in a row in bed re-watching Bridgerton, then you’re happy to do it.

Again, you don’t have to give up your own life or interests every time your partner wants to do something you don’t like. But compromise (like putting your partner’s happiness before yours) is a loving act that will bring you closer and show your partner your dedication.

Tip 2: Don’t stop using pet names

"Hello darling" neon sign hangs on a wall next to a cactus

I know, pet names sound like such a small thing. How can calling your man “baby,” “handsome,” or “boo bear” (I mean, why not?) actually strengthen your relationship and make your partner feel loved?

Because a pet name is something you only call each other. It’s something just for your man or just for your girlfriend. When you’re alone, it’s a sweet endearment. When you’re out in public, it’s still sweet but it can also be a cute way to show recognition to your relationship.

According to this article, “American couples using pet names were 16 percent more likely to be satisfied in their relationships… In America, 90 percent or more of people using the terms “pretty,” “beautiful,” and “gorgeous” were content with their partner, while only 56 percent of those who didn’t use pet names were satisfied.”

When you first get together, you probably use pet names all the time! But as time goes on, sometimes you can get too complacent and don’t think about calling each other cute names as much anymore.

Don’t ever get so comfortable that you forget to use pet names with each other. Those cute, sometimes silly names are such a simple thing to do to keep your relationship strong.

That said, make sure the pet name is something your partner actually likes!

Your girlfriend might not like being called “baby girl,” and your boyfriend might not love being called “cutie patootie” in front of all his friends. Ask your partner to see what they like and don’t like.

In fact, you might find out your partner doesn’t like pet names at all. If that’s the case, make sure to listen to your significant other and not me, obviously 😉

Tip 3: Make their life easier in whatever way you can

One of my favorite ways to make my boyfriend feel loved is by simply helping him out with whatever he’s got on his plate at the moment. Making a cup of coffee for him when he’s tired, or making his protein shake before he goes to his workout are tiny actions that take some stress off him.

Simplifying your partner’s day in small ways is such an easy, yet effective, way to show love.

When your partner is in a hurry in the mornings, make them breakfast. If they have to study, try to keep the environment a bit quieter for them. Basically, keep an eye open for opportunities to offer a helpful hand.

Making your SO’s life a bit easier is an effective way to make your partner feel loved because it shows that you see their struggles and care enough to do something about it–even if it’s just a small something.

Tip 4: Learn each other’s love language

If you haven’t heard of the 5 Love Languages yet, let me tell ya about it. The idea comes from the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, which basically talks about how every person experiences and shows love best in one of 5 different ways. Of course, people can experience love in more than one way, but there’s usually one primary way that really gets through to them.

The 5 love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch.

One of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationship is to learn your SO’s love language and then show them love that way.

For example: My boyfriend’s love language is physical touch. So to show him love in a physical touch sense, I always hold his hand, scratch his head when he’s stressed out, give him backrubs when he’s sore, and just generally stay close and cuddly with him.

My love language is a combo of physical touch and words of affirmation. So besides being cuddly with me, he also tells me every day how happy he is to be with me and is always super gracious with his compliments.

If you don’t know your SO’s love language (or your own!) you can take this fun quiz here to figure it out.

Learning each other’s love language is super helpful because it can get frustrating when you feel like you’ve giving your all to make your partner feel loved, and they just don’t seem to be feelin’ it. If that’s happening in your relationship, it could be that your love language is just different from your partner’s.

For example: That can mean that while you think your partner will just LOVE the flowers you brought home for her (love language: gifts), she’s actually just really hurt that you got home later than you said you would because she would have rather hung out with you than receive flowers (love language: quality time).

Tip 5: Do things WITH JOY

When you and your babe first get together, you jump at the opportunity to do anything for them. As time goes on, these things might start to feel a bit more tedious if your love language isn’t naturally acts of service.

And while you might still do those things for your SO (help them do laundry, make them dinner, wash their car, proof-read their essays,etc.), the energy you put off while doing those things might shift. Anyone can do a favor for someone. What makes the difference is HOW they do it.

When your SO asks for your help to do something, how do you respond? Do you drag your feet? Are you irritated? Do you give a big sigh and say, “Sure. Fine.”?

Certain responses can leave your SO feeling like a burden. Make the decision (yes, it IS a conscious decision) to help your SO out gladly. Do it joyfully!

And remember all they do for you, too. If you feel like things are a bit one-sided in this department, it might be a good idea to bring it up and have an honest discussion about it.

Tip 6: Give 110% all the time (not just at the start of the relationship)

When people get lazy in relationships, that’s when problems start happening. One of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationship is to simply keep putting in the effort.

Keep sending the cute good morning texts with the gross amount of heart emojis. Surprise them at work with their favorite coffee or flowers. Offer backrubs without them asking for it. Flirt with your partner in public!

Whatever you did at the start of the relationship to get them hooked on you, KEEP DOING THOSE THINGS.

Tip 7: Don’t stop having date nights

Man and a woman embracing, while she holds two large, shiny red heart balloons

One of the simplest things you can do to make your partner feel loved is to keep dating each other. I know, you’ve probably heard it a hundred times before. But that’s just because it’s so, so true.

Continue having regular date nights with each other. Wine and dine your babe and let them wine and dine you too.

There are a few reasons date nights are so important to strengthening your relationship.

One, is it’s time just for the two of you to be together. Either doing something fun, relaxing, getting dressed up and going out, or just enjoying each other’s company and conversation. Quality time as a couple is always going to bring you closer.

Two, it shows your SO that you’re willing to take time out of your busy schedule to focus on him or her.

Three, it removes the usual daily distractions (if you let it). Make your date nights a phone-free zone, unless of course you’re snapping adorable pictures together.

Tip 8: Get creative in how you show your love

Don’t be boring in the way you show your SO love. That’s not to say those daily, small details don’t matter or aren’t romantic. Making your partner coffee in the morning, kissing them often, and holding their hand are all sweet, romantic gestures of love.

Just remember that if you want this relationship to last forever, then technically speaking you are the only person who’s going to be romancing your partner for the rest of his or her life. So make it fun! Make it special!

You don’t need to go on a big vacation multiple times each year (that’s just not realistic!) And you don’t need to leave rose petals on the bed every time it’s date night.

But think about how special and loved your babe would feel if you did something out of the “ordinary” once a month just to show your love. It could be a small gesture, or a bigger one. It’s up to you and what you think your SO would like. But by getting creative in the way you show your love, you show your partner that he or she is worth the time and effort to do something extra.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Come home with chocolates for them
Bring them breakfast in bed
Plan a special night just for the two of you
Cook them their favorite dinner while they relax
Do their usual chores for them spontaneously
Write them a little love note and put it on the bathroom mirror
Give them a massage after a long, hard day
Watch a movie or TV show with them that’s not really “your” style (I watch Godzilla movies for my boyfriend, he watched Gossip Girl for me)
Get them a special gift that’s unique to you two, like a pillowcase with a photo of you two together or a bracelet with your initials
Make reservations to their favorite restaurant without being asked
Get dressed up in their favorite color and spray some perfume or cologne on, just to impress them
Learn to play a song for them on an instrument, or practice singing a love song
Surprise them with a trip out of town that you already planned

Tip 9: Be their happy place

One way to make your partner feel loved is to simply be a safe, happy place for them. To do that, pay attention to the things that bring joy and peace to your partner. Notice what cheers them up after a hard day!

For example, when I’m having a tough day, Cody brings me a coffee when he gets home in the afternoon. When he’s having a tough day, I scratch his head until he de-stresses.

Figure out what cheers up your SO and be ready to use those things when they’re having a bad day. They’ll notice your efforts (maybe not til after they feel cheered up, but still), and appreciate that you were there for them.

Tip 10: Call out the good in your partner

Have you ever been having a bad day, and then someone compliments you? It turns your whole day around in an instant. You go from walking around with your head low, to feeling like a beautiful soul capable of anything.

This is why it’s so important to call out the good in your partner. Your partner is going to have less than awesome days. There will be days when your SO is moody, doubting himself, feeling sad, or makes a mistake. Take these days to call attention to the good he or she’s done, and their positive qualities.

Learn to communicate your appreciation and admiration for them. Do it often, but especially during tough times.

These positive comments don’t even have to be related to his bad day. Tell him how much it means to you that he always cook you lunch. Comment on how sweet it is that calls his grandparents every day. Notice that his passion or dedication for ___(work, his hobby, fitness, his craft, etc.)___ is really impressive.

Failure to communicate these positives in your relationship can lead to your partner feeling under appreciated in general. But, when your partner is already struggling to see the good in themselves, it is more important than ever to call out the good you see, that maybe they can’t see in the moment.

Real life story about why positivity matters

Before I got into my current relationship with Cody, I had been in a previous relationship where I was told lots of not-great things about myself. I was led to believe I was crazy, jealous, an overthinker, negative, and that I ruined good things. So it wasn’t surprising that my confidence was pretty freakin’ low.

It also wasn’t surprising that I continued acting in the ways I was described. I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believed those things, and I continued living that way.

For the sake of this point, I’ll set aside the fact that I allowed my self confidence to be reduced based on someone else’s opinions of me, and that I have to take responsibility for choosing to remain in that type of environment. I feel like that’s important to point out, but I’m coming to a different point.

Fast forward to my current relationship. One of the first things I heard in my relationship (and that I continue to hear today) was that I’m a lot of fun to be around, and that I alway have a positive attitude. Hearing such a contrast to what I was used to basically flipped a switch in my head. It shocked me out of my old way of thinking that I was a negative, depressed person and made me feel like me again.

The point is, that kind of negativity can’t cultivate a strong relationship. When you communicate negativity and low expectations, that’s what you’ll get. For a solid relationship, you have to call out the best in each other. And that’s what you’ll get more of.

Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend that they are not the emotions they’re experiencing in this moment.

They’re not defined by the bad decisions they made last night, or last year. See their higher self, and make those awesome attributes the focus of your conversation and your relationship.

Tip 11: Start each day with a clean slate

Man and woman sitting on a kitchen countertop having coffee

Give your partner (and yourself!) a clean slate every day. Leave the tensions and arguments of yesterday behind you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and give that same grace to your partner.

Sometimes, when I feel like I’m still hung up on something I know full well won’t matter in a week, I give myself a little reminder. I imagine how I’d feel if I ever lost my boyfriend. It sounds a bit morbid, but hear me out.

If something tragic happened and you lost your significant other tomorrow, would you still care that he didn’t text you back right away? Would you still be annoyed about yesterday’s argument? Or would you wish you had let things go and just enjoyed the time you had with him?

While some people might see that as a dark thought pattern, I’ve noticed that it really helps me personally to imagine scenarios like that.

When you know you’re loved, and recognize how blessed you are to have your partner, those little bickering moments don’t really matter. Shift your perspective to the big picture. In my experience, it’s truly helped me let go of little things and appreciate what I have.

Each day you wake up is a blessing. It’s a new day for you and your partner to face together, and a new opportunity to grow closer.

Tip 12: Make the decision to love even on the days you don’t feel like it

How do you really, truly make your partner feel loved? Decide that you love them every single day, and that you will love them no matter what the day holds. Love is absolutely, 100% a choice. This is the end-all, be-all for a solid relationship.

I’ll say it til the day I die. Infatuation, lust, and happiness ebbs and flows. Some days you feel those things, some days you don’t. But love is something you get to choose to do, rather than something you just happen to feel.

Some days, you’re happy with your partner, and other days you’re not. That’s totally okay. Don’t feel the pressure to be happy 24/7. You’ll face hard times together and that’s normal.

But for a real relationship that lasts, you have to decide to love your partner regardless of how you’re feeling emotionally from moment-to-moment.

Here are some examples of what choosing to love looks like:

Cooking enough food for both of you, even when you’re mad
Kissing your partner goodnight, even when they’ve annoyed you
Texting to make sure they got home safely, even after you got in an argument
Not withholding affection just because you don’t feel romantic at the moment
Being kind even during a fight
Sticking to your commitments (such as helping with an errand) even when you’re in a bad mood
Not seeking attention or validation from people outside your relationship even when you’re experiencing a “rough patch”

These aren’t things you feel like doing, but they are acts of love and loyalty that your relationship deserves, and needs if it’s going to last.

Resources for how to make your partner feel loved

1. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

This book is so powerful, and I truly believe it’s one of the most helpful relationship books I’ve read. For couples who just don’t “get” what the other person wants, this will be an eye opener. Like the title suggests, author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs tackles the idea that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. Understanding and applying that concept helps open the channel of effective and loving communication.

You don’t need to be married to get a ton out of this book.

Keep in mind that this book comes at relationships from a biblical perspective, but it goes further than that. It deals with the psychological aspects of marriage and relationships as well. Personally, I don’t think you need to be from a religious background to get something out of it.

2. The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

I was recently reading a Huff Post article on the top books couples should read, and this one caught my eye.

This book by family therapist Terrence Real covers how to keep your love going strong in a 21st century relationship. You can read this book on your own, or with your partner. This book is geared specifically toward married couples, but again, you don’t have to be married to read it.

If you plan on getting married eventually or are in a long term relationship in the 21st century, then this book will benefit you.

The summary reads: “In this revolutionary book, Real shows women how to master the new rules of twenty-first-century marriage by offering them a set of effective tools with which they can create the truly intimate relationship that they desire and deserve. He identifies five non-starters to avoid and shares practical strategies for bringing honesty, passion, and joy back to even the most difficult relationship.”

3. One Extraordinary Marriage Podcast

Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo are the married couple behind One Extraordinary Marriage. Together, they release a weekly podcast covering relationship topics “dedicated to helping you strengthen communication, build trust and create intimacy in your marriage.”

In addition to their podcast, they have a blog, coaching and training offers. You can get their free e-Book “6 Pillars of Intimacy” when you subscribe to their email list!

This podcast is designed to help you overcome any of your intimacy challenges. Keep in mind it’s geared more specifically toward married couples, as the name suggests.

Conclusion to How to Make Your Partner Feel Loved

That’s it, folks! I hope you’ve found some new ways to make your significant other feel love and are excited to start implementing them. To recap, my top tips to show your SO love are:

Do their favorite things with them
Use pet names
Make their life easier
Learn each other’s love language
Do things with joy
Give 110% all the time
Keep having date nights
Get creative
Be their happy place
Call out the good in your partner
Start each day with a clean slate
Make the decision to love unconditionally

If this post helped you or inspired you, I’d love it if you shared it! The share buttons are just to the left, and it would be much appreciated by this one-woman-show : )

Related reading:

That’s all for today! Til next time, ya hot tamales.

Love, hugs, and good vibes,

<3 Sav