So there I was, sitting in my bedroom in my parent’s house, at 2 a.m. crying over the saaaame boy I’d been crying over for the past several years, dreading going to my part-time job at the frozen yogurt shop later that day, losing sleep and feeling like I’d be better off just not existing. All the while, that whiny little voice in my head kept asking, “Why me?” (insert sad lil emoji face).
Have you ever been there? Crying about the same thing you always cry over, just completely miserable in your existence and feeling like the universe, God, fate, whoever, is just so against you? If you can relate at all, my heart goes out to you. Solidarity, sister. It’s not exactly uncommon for us to go through the same struggles, time after time. And worse yet – it’s not uncommon that we choose to STAY in those same situations.
Like. Why??
Keep reading, girl. After this blog post, you’ll be able to recognize the toxic mindsets holding you back from joy, and you’ll know some mindset shift exercises to help you dramatically improve your life.
Pour yourself something fun to sip on, and let’s get to it.
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Common unhealthy mindsets
You might be wondering, what’s wrong with my mindset? My struggles come from other people – they’re not in my head!
Well yes, that’s true. Our outer circumstances can cause a lot of distress, and it’s frustrating because there are so many things out of our control.
However, we can absolutely control our mind.
And mindset has a lot to do with how you feel about your life.
So, let’s not let an unhealthy mindset or toxic beliefs keep you from happiness.
Let’s chat about some of the most common unhealthy mindsets holding you back. (And remember, this comes from personal experience and love; not a place of judgement!)
Victim mindset
In this mindset, you’re always the victim (duh).
Every bad thing in your life is someone else’s fault.
You got fired = your boss has it out for you
You’re always broke = the cost of living is too high
Your friends talked behind your back (again) = they’re just a bunch of snakes
That guy on Hinge who literally told you he didn’t want anything serious has ghosted you = all boys are trash
Nothing is ever your fault. Everyone else is out to get you. Nothing ever seems to “go right” for you.
“I’m a victim,” you think.
(Yeah, keep reading to find out why this mindset is totally stealing your happiness.)
“Everyone else is just lucky” mindset
This mindset revolves around the belief that everyone else has it so good because they’re just “lucky.”
Your friends have more money than you because they’re lucky.
They find good boyfriends or girlfriends because they’re lucky.
They are well-respected because they’re lucky.
The fact that your friends follow a budget, don’t blow their paychecks on dumb stuff, they’re always kind to others, they have self respect and high standards, and they work on themselves and their own internal issues has nothing to do with their fortunate lives.
“They’re just lucky,” you think.
The mindset that people should understand you and like you
I once saw an Instagram video of a girl saying, “Bold of me to assume everyone should understand me and like me, when I don’t understand or like 90% of the people I meet. Why should I assume I’ll be the exception to that?”
I wish I remembered the girl’s @, but the message stuck with me.
Having the mindset that everyone should automatically understand me and like me is incredibly unrealistic. And having that expectation makes it hurt that much worse when I discover that someone does not, in fact, like me all that much.
This mindset sets a standard that I can only be happy if everyone I meet “gets me,” understands my perspective and agrees, and likes me.
Which is tricky business, because of course, putting your happiness in the hands of other people is a great way to be miserable.
Mindset of lack, or “scarcity mentality”
This mindset of lack is the last unhealthy mindset I’ll touch on here.
This mindset thinks that there’s not “enough” in the world for you.
You’re scared you don’t have enough money, so you hoard your money instead of being generous.
You think there’s a limited number of good, loving men in the world, so you waste your time on losers because you already believe there are no good men left.
Maybe you have a hard time giving compliments because highlighting someone else’s good qualities makes you feel less.
You view most things as a competition – romance, social status, jobs and careers, etc.
In this mindset, there’s never enough of whatever you desire, and every day feels like a battle that you can’t possibly win.
Why these mindsets are making you miserable
I’ll be brief: The problem with these mindsets is that they take the power for happiness and success out of your hands, and put it into the people/circumstances around you.
These mindsets say “things suck for me because other people are or are not doing XYZ,” or “the reason I don’t have enough is because there’s not enough in general.”
Nah, friend. We can do better than that.
Take back your power and happiness by shifting your mindset in these 7 crucial ways.
Mindset shift 1: Everything is my fault
Hear me out: I’m not trying to be a bully here.
This concept that everything is our own fault comes from Mark Manson’s book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.
The idea is to accept responsibility for everything in your life. Now obviously if someone wronged you or you experienced trauma, that isn’t your fault. What is your “fault” (or responsibility) is the way you choose to respond.
By deciding that all hardships and opportunities that come to you are a result of your actions, or at the very least are now your responsibility to deal with, you can find freedom in knowing that your life is in your hands.
Mindset shift exercise
When you find yourself in the “woe is me” mindset, stop.
Ask yourself, Is there anything I did or didn’t do that led to me being here? What role did I play in getting in my current situation? Am I placing blame on others to avoid responsibility?
Once you recognize your own errors or misguided decisions, accept responsibility with yourself. Refuse to let yourself get away with being the victim.
Because you’re not the victim. You’re stronger than that. Rise above the victim mentality and take back control over your life.
Mindset shift 2: There is plenty for me, blessings are in abundance
When you constantly fear that there isn’t enough (fill in the blank: money, love, success, jobs, clients, etc.) for you, you create a mental block that stops those things from coming to you.
Now, I know that sounds a little woo-woo, but mindsets really do shape our reality.
I will admit to having a mental block around my blogging business.
I tend to fear the wellness niche is oversaturated and there might not be enough room for me.
It’s someth8ing I must actively work to overcome, and so must you
Mindset shift exercise
What do you feel you’re lacking? In what areas of your life do you believe there isn’t enough for you? Why?
Jot down those thoughts without judgment and start practicing shifting those thoughts from negative, to neutral, to positive.
Start with a negative thought like, “there isn’t enough money for me to be wealthy,” and shift it to something neutral, like “the world is full of money, it comes and goes constantly.”
From here, you can gradually shift your neutral mindset to something positive like “there is plenty of money in the world and I’m grateful it flows to me easily and honestly.”
Mindset shift 3: People will not always understand me, and that is perfectly okay
Question for ya: How many people do you meet that you totally, completely understand and love, finding no flaws, irritations, or frustrations with them? It’s probably a short list.
The thing is, we’re always meeting and interacting with people who we disagree with or just straight up don’t like.
So how can you expect everyone to agree and understand you? You can’t!
Just like it’s okay that you don’t care for everyone, not everyone has to care for you.
Like they say:
“You could be the juiciest peach in the world, and there will still be someone out there who doesn’t like peaches.”
Accept that not everyone will “get you” and they don’t have to. It’s not their job to like you. But it is on you to find peace with that, if only for your own sanity.
Mindset shift 4: What I have is enough
A common theme in Stoic philosophy revolves around the concept of needing very little to live a happy life.
(In case Stoicism is new to you, it’s an ancient Greek school of philosophy. In simple terms, it teaches self-control. To quote writer and strategist Ryan Holiday, “Stoicism is a tool in the pursuit of self-mastery, perseverance, and wisdom: something one uses to live a great life…”)
Now don’t get me wrong – it is good to have dreams and goals. It’s good to pursue the things your heart desires.
It’s not that we can’t want more, but it’s important to recognize that the more we want what we don’t have, the less happy we’ll be.
For me, it’s all about finding the balance between knowing what I have is enough to be happy, while still pursuing the things I want for myself with a grateful heart.
In short: Appreciate what you have right now. Let it be enough, and it will be.
Mindset shift 5: Meditate on your mortality (but not in an emo way)
If I told you you’re gonna die tomorrow, how would that change your behavior or plans for today?
For example: It’s easy to let someone’s rude comment ruin your afternoon or even your day.
You keep playing it over and over in your head, getting more and more angry or hurt.
But if you paused to consider the fact that this could be your last day on earth, don’t you think you’d let it go a lot more quickly?
Meditating on our mortality and the fact that we could die at any moment puts things in perspective.
We hold onto negative things and get emotional about them because we think we have all the time in the world to hold a grudge.
As much as I wish we could all live healthily forever, that is of course not reality.
So since our lives are finite, we must let go of things and move on. We can feel all our feelings – anger, disappointment, sadness, grief, frustration – but life is short.
Feel the feelings, acknowledge them, and release them.
Disclaimer: To be clear, I’m not suggesting you ignore the things in your life that are real, serious struggles. This is more to address those small grievances, like rude people in traffic, mean comments or overblow arguments on social media, or those frustrating people we all must interact with in our lives.
Mindset shift exercise
When you encounter negative situations, hurtful people, or unfortunate circumstances, pause and ask yourself, “If this was my last day on earth, would I still want to spend my time focusing on this?”
Sometimes the answer is “yes,” like if you and your partner are having a serious issue or if you need conflict resolution with someone of significance in your life.
But oftentimes the answer is “no.” In these cases, take a moment to meditate on the fact that life is indeed very short, and your energy and time is precious.
Then take a deep breath, release it, and shake it off like Taylor would.
Mindset shift 6: Hard times will come, and we must embrace that
This one sounds harsh, but it’s actually very freeing when you come to embrace the mindset that bad things happen to everyone.
This is an important concept to grasp for two reasons:
- It helps ease the feeling that Something Is Very Wrong and Must Be Immediately Fixed whenever something bad happens. It’s easy to look at social media and think that everyone is happy all the time, so if we aren’t happy all the time, then there’s a problem. When in fact, facing hard times is literally just life.
- This concept also helps us find comfort in knowing that whatever we’re facing, someone else out there has faced it, too. We’re not alone or special in our suffering – there are people who understand your pain.
For example, I’m not special because my family is dysfunctional and our family gatherings usually turn into awkward freeze-out fests. Lots of people have dysfunctional families.
But it would be so much harder for me to accept my personal struggle of having a dysfunctional family if I believed I was the only person with that problem. Instead, I find comfort in knowing there are many people out there who understand what my family goes through.
Many hardships are experienced by many people: Breakups, having an unfaithful partner, losing a job, struggling with major health issues, being robbed, feeling desperately lonely, etc.
All of these things are horrible to experience. But you are not alone in experiencing them.
When you can accept the fact that you are not the first (or last) person to experience this Bad Thing, it can free you from feeling isolated in your pain.
Find strength in knowing many people have faced what you are facing. Humans face terrible things every day.
Mindset shift exercise
This life was not meant to be happy all the time. In fact, it is mostly tough times split up by happy moments and experiences.
Understand that hard times are just part of being human, and allow the hard times to make the good times feel that much more beautiful and significant.
I’ll leave you with this quote by Mark Manson, author of one of my favorite books, “The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***)
Conclusion: 6 mindset shifts and exercises to dramatically improve your life
This life is hard enough on its own, right? So let’s give ourselves every advantage by controlling one of the only things we can control: our mind.
To recap, these mindsets are stealing your joy:
- The “victim mindset”
- The “everyone is luckier than me” mindset
- The “everyone should like me and understand me” mindset
- The “scarcity mentality”
And these are the 5 mindset shifts you need to make your life way, way better:
- Everything is my fault
- There is plenty for me, and blessings are in abundance
- People will not always understand or like me, and that’s okay
- What I have is enough
- Remember that you are mortal
- Hard times will come, but that’s expected and is not unnatural
That’s all for today, my friend. I hope this post brought you peace of mind (as twisted as it was in some places), and gave you plenty of ideas for how to shift your mindset for a happier life.
Sending you all the love in the world,
XO Sav
