8 Caring Tips for Better Communication in Your Relationship

Man and woman laughing together on the couch

So you think you’ve found your one true love. The Nick Miller to your Jessica Day, the Ross to your Rachel, the Jim to your Pam, the Simon to your Daphne. And you really, really want to make this relationship work. While everybody talks about how “communication is key,” and how lack of communication in a relationship can kill it quickly, you might need more information. So I’m going to share with you my best communication tips for couples to make your relationship stronger and give you and your babe the best chance at a lifelong, healthy and happy relationship.

If you’ve been in relationships in the past, you already know that things tend to start off sunny, but no one’s perfect, and after you’ve been together a while that becomes more obvious. When communication gets lazy or put on the back burner, it can cause more issues than a simple mixup about who was supposed to get the groceries.

Maybe communication was a key problem in a past breakup, and you want to make sure things go differently this time. Or maybe you and your partner are both killin’ it in the communication department, and you want to make sure it stays that way. Whichever situation you’re in, this list of seven relationship tips for communication is gonna help you out.

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My top communication books for couples!

Why listen to me?

It’s true, I’m not a psychologist or a therapist. But I am currently in a super happy and solid relationship that just celebrated the 2 year mark, with many more happy years to come. Before I entered my current relationship, I had ended a very long, on-and-off again relationship that was largely unhappy and unhealthy.

I’ve learned so much, and been able to recognize many of my own shortfallings, as well as recognize a lot of nonsense I didn’t need to put up with from other people.

This four part series covers tips inspired by what I learned from my past experiences and what I’ve learned while being in the best relationship I could have prayed for.

Read this if your relationship sucks

"You cannot force someone to love you the way you deserve... But you can walk away when they don't," quote surrounded by flowers

This entire post is written with the assumption that you’re in a relationship that both partners want to last, with the person that you both want to be with. If that’s the case, these communication tips can help enrich and strengthen your relationship.

IF, however, you’re in a relationship with someone who clearly isn’t trying, doesn’t care or respect the relationship as much as you, cheats on you, or emotionally manipulates you, then please know that these tips probably will not help you.

Why? Because your partner doesn’t want it as badly as you do. I don’t know your personal situation, but I do know that when only one of you wants the relationship to work and the other person just doesn’t care that much, then nothing is going to really save the relationship.

And they probably don’t deserve someone like you who’s willing to scour the internet for “relationship tips” anyway.

I’m not saying to give up right away. There are times when people are exhausted from trying to fix their relationship, and that’s normal when going through tough times. This is just a reminder that it takes two to make it work. If your partner doesn’t care as much as you, you probably already know it.

This post contains affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, but I may make a commission payment from anything you buy through these links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases at NO extra cost to you. All opinions remain my own.

Communication Tip 1: Practice honest and open communication

Woman and man both covering their eyes or face

Honesty is Relationship Rules 101, right? But it gets mentioned a lot because it’s not always a natural thing to do. This is your reminder that honesty and open communication is probably the best thing you can do for a stronger relationship.

Say what you mean. Be honest and truthful about the hard things. Don’t pretend issues aren’t there or you don’t see certain problems.

If you make a mistake or screw up, be upfront about it. It’s better to do that than to get found out later, which will just break the trust you had together.

But it’s not just the big, difficult things you should be open about. Be open about the little things too. Tell the truth about what you want, what you don’t want, what bugs you, what hurt you, and what you love about your partner. Lack of communication in these areas of a relationship will just lead to confusion and hurt feelings. This is why it’s important to learn how to communicate your needs in a relationship.

When you’re not open about these things, your partner will have no idea that he or she made you unhappy. But you’ll remember the feeling and what they did or said. This builds up resentment because you’ll be hurt that your SO keeps doing something they don’t know bothers you.

In turn, they’ll be frustrated and confused about why you keep getting upset and giving them the cold shoulder. Keeping your true thoughts and feelings closed off from your partner just builds a miserable situation for yourself.

Even when honesty is hard, it’s so much better for creating a strong relationship than being shady and dodging questions.

Remember, your partner is in this relationship with you because they want to truly know you, and have the chance to love you as who you are. And they also have the right to know who they’re attaching themselves to.

Communication Tip 2: Take quality time to hear about each other’s day

This is so simple, but so easy to overlook. Think about all the ups and downs you go through in your day. Then take a moment to realize your SO goes through ups and downs too! It can be easy to unload your day on your partner, and forget to even ask about their day in return.

Make the daily decision to genuinely want to know how your boyfriend or girlfriend’s day went. Make this a distraction-free time. Put your phone down, pause the TV, and make actual eye contact while you listen. Listen as long as they need, and try not to make them feel like you’re in a hurry to get to the next item on your to-do list.

Communication Tip 3: Reflect together

A man resting with his head on his girlfriend/wife's lap, while they talk in bed casually

Taking the time to reflect once a week or so can open up so many doors for honest communication. When you reflect, take a look at how the week went for you as a couple, and how it went for you individually. Making sure to listen to each other will not only bring you closer together, but strengthen your relationship. You’ll both feel like you’ve been seen and heard, which reinforces trust.

If you’re not sure what exactly to reflect on, that’s okay! Maybe that just means there were no major things that needed talking about. More often than not, that’s a good thing.

But if you really want to dig in, ask yourselves: Has there been any tension in your lives lately? Is it between you two or is it general life struggles? If there’s anything troubling you, speak patiently and openly about that!

Maybe there was something that bothered you this week that you’re still thinking about, but you haven’t addressed yet.

Or, did you two have an awesome week together/separately? What did you enjoy? Taking the time to discuss the positives in your life reinforces those things, and will help you both know what to keep doing.

These reflection talks don’t have to be a big ordeal. You don’t have to pull out charts or journal entries. Just grab a coffee, hang out and if something comes to mind you can bring it up naturally.

Communication Tip 4: Don’t start an argument in attack mode

When you’re upset or irritated about something, don’t immediately jump on whatever it is your partner did wrong. That will put them in defense mode and the argument rarely goes well from there.

Stick to the “I” statements and try something like, “Hey, I really felt ___ when you did/said that. Can we talk about that?” Unless your boyfriend or girlfriend is an absolute jerk, they probably didn’t mean to offend or upset you. Give him or her the chance to explain. This is a great way to get yourself heard, and to come to a resolution without a full blown argument.

This approach strengthens the relationship because it opens the opportunity for your SO to explain where they’re coming from so you can both understand each other. It takes away that edge of being scared to do anything wrong for fear of getting chewed out. It also gives you the opportunity to say exactly how you’re feeling without immediately putting the blame on your SO.

Slow down, take a deep breath, and put in some effort to improve your communication skills in your relationship. This can be a game changer.

Note: This isn’t to say that you can’t be mad or hurt if your partner did something wrong. It just means you give them the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain their actions. You still have every right to feel exactly how you’re feeling.

Communication Tip 5: Argue with each other in love

The point of arguing with your babe is always, always to better understand each other. When one of you “wins,” no one really wins.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone that involved at least some arguing, you already know that arguing is usually a sign that you care. Arguing isn’t fun, but it’s a way of trying to get on the same page as your SO, or at least feel like you’ve been heard and understood.

And if you’ve ever been in a relationship where you’ve completely given up on making it work, you’ve probably experienced that realization that the fighting has stopped… because the relationship is too over to even bother with it anymore. It’s one of the reasons a lack of communication in a relationship can lead to one or both people feeling like the other doesn’t care enough to try anymore.

That’s why arguing is GOOD. It’s healthy. But arguing the right way is crucial if you want the argument to bring you closer and help you “get” your SO just a bit more, instead of turning into a blow-out fight that results in resentment, anger, and misunderstanding.

When you and your SO argue–whether it’s something small or huge–argue in love. Remember: The point is to communicate better in your relationship, not to get fired up and unleash your wrath (unless they really deserve it).

Man with tattooed arms holding hands with a woman in a striped sweater

Tips to argue in love:

Have the mentality that you’re both on the same side: the side of your relationship.
Keep calm voices
Focus on the issue at hand and don’t bring up old arguments
NEVER name call
Use the “I” statements. This is one of the best ways to communicate in a relationship. For example. Use “I felt like you were ignoring me earlier,” instead of, “you never pay attention to me when you’re watching TV.”
Don’t throw out the line “Maybe we should just break up” unless you’ve thought about it and truly want that
Don’t feel the need to completely understand your SO before apologizing or forgiving.

To clarify: Sometimes, we feel we have to understand why our SO got upset before we say “I’m sorry.” We don’t. We just have to listen and understand that–for reasons that might be beyond our understanding–our SO is hurt. Just sincerely apologizing and expressing that you didn’t mean to cause harm is often enough to put out that emotional fire.

If you’re the one who’s been hurt, understand that your boyfriend/girlfriend might not 100% get where you’re coming from, and that’s okay. We all have different experiences, triggers, and personalities that make us different, so your SO might not always get you. That’s okay. If he/she says sorry and means it, forgive and let it go. Your SO doesn’t need to have your exact feelings and thoughts to still be sorry that you’re hurting.

Communication Tip 6: Show your SO they come first

In life, we get so busy doing our own thing and handling our own problems, that sometimes the most important people to us get put on the backburner.

Of course, your SO should be understanding when you have work, school, family and other responsibilities. But one of the best things to do to make your relationship stronger is to simply communicate to your SO that he or she is a priority to you.

Show it through your actions. Tell them with your voice. Make it obvious by being clearly happy to sacrifice something else, just to spend time with them.

You absolutely have to make time for them in your schedule. Don’t let your significant other feel like they have to compete for your attention. That’s just going to cause tension, and after a while they’ll get used to not having you around.

Learn to time manage better if having free time is a struggle.

You’ve heard it before and I’ll say it again here: If you really want to, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find a reason not to.

Communication Tip 7: Call out the good in your partner

Have you ever been having a bad day, and then someone compliments you? It turns your whole day around in an instant. You go from walking around with your head low, to feeling like a beautiful soul capable of anything.

This is why it’s so important to call out the good in your partner. Your partner is going to have less than awesome days. There will be days when your SO is moody, doubting himself, feeling sad, or makes a mistake. Take these days to call attention to the good he or she’s done, and their positive qualities.

Learn to communicate your appreciation and admiration for them. Do it often, but especially during tough times.

These positive comments don’t even have to be related to his bad day. Tell him how much it means to you that he always cook you lunch. Comment on how sweet it is that calls his grandparents every day. Notice that his passion or dedication for ___(work, his hobby, fitness, his craft, etc.)___ is really impressive.

Lack of communicating the positives in your relationship can lead to your partner feeling under appreciated in general. But, when your partner is already struggling to see the good in themselves, it is more important than ever to call out the good you see, that maybe they can’t see in the moment.

Real life story about why positivity matters

Before I got into my current relationship with Cody, I had been in a previous relationship where I was told lots of not-great things about myself. I was led to believe I was crazy, jealous, an overthinker, negative, and that I ruined good things. So it wasn’t surprising that my confidence was pretty freakin’ low.

It also wasn’t surprising that I continued acting in the ways I was described. I became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believed those things, and I continued living that way.

For the sake of this point, I’ll set aside the fact that I allowed my self confidence to be reduced based on someone else’s opinions of me, and that I have to take responsibility for choosing to remain in that type of environment. I feel like that’s important to point out, but I’m coming to a different point.

Fast forward to my current relationship. One of the first things I heard in my relationship (and that I continue to hear today) was that I’m a lot of fun to be around, and that I alway have a positive attitude. Hearing such a contrast to what I was used to basically flipped a switch in my head. It shocked me out of my old way of thinking that I was a negative, depressed person and made me feel like me again.

The point is, that kind of negativity can’t cultivate a strong relationship. When you communicate negativity and low expectations, that’s what you’ll get. For a solid relationship, you have to call out the best in each other. And that’s what you’ll get more of.

Remind your boyfriend or girlfriend that they are not the emotions they’re experiencing in this moment.

They’re not defined by the bad decisions they made last night, or last year. See their higher self, and make those awesome attributes the focus of your conversation and your relationship.

Tip 8: Learn your SO’s communication style

A man has his arm around a woman's shoulders

Sometimes, lack of communication in a relationship isn’t the biggest issue. You might feel like you communicate all the freaking time. But nothing ever gets solved. The reason for that might be that you and your partner communicate differently.

Hear me out.

You already know how you communicate, right? Maybe you’re the type of person who jumps into every conversation with both feet, in the very moment you have a thought. Or maybe, you prefer to think long and hard about what you want to say before you say it. Perhaps writing a letter is more your thing, since you tend to forget your points or stumble over your words.

The point is, there are so many different styles of communicating. And while you might talk, argue, joke or express your love in one way, your significant other might do it another way.

Why is it important to understand your SO’s communication style?

Because ignoring your SO’s communication style can lead to misunderstanding, arguments and confusion–even when you had the best intention.

For example: Maybe you prefer to address big issues in the moment, while your SO prefers to take some time to cool off and come back to the issue a bit later. Both of you want the same thing: to come to a resolution and move forward together.

But if you force your SO to talk about the issues right NOW, then he/she might feel pressured into a conversation they’re not ready for. Then your SO gets frustrated and might feel disrespected, which is obviously the opposite of what you want.

On the other hand, if your SO leaves the discussion so he or she can calm down and think things through, you might feel neglected or ignored. Just like you, your SO is trying to work toward a solution. But if you don’t understand their communication style, then those good intentions won’t translate.

If a difference in communication is a common issue for you and your significant other, take the time to talk about it. Don’t ignore the differences. They will keep resurfacing until you address them. Establish a compromise that works for both of you and express yourselves clearly, so there’s no confusion that you both want the same thing.

Resources to help with a lack of communication in your relationship

Whether you’re married or in a committed dating relationship, I’ve scoured the internet to find some of the best resources to help you communicate better with your significant other. I highly suggest reading these books together so you can work through things together and hear both sides.

1. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

This book is so powerful, and I truly believe it’s one of the most helpful relationship books I’ve read. For couples who just don’t feel on the same page, this will be an eye opener. Like the title suggests, author Dr. Emerson Eggerichs tackles the idea that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her.

Understanding and applying that concept helps open the channel of effective and loving communication. Because sometimes it’s not a lack of communication in a relationship that’s the issue, but the way you’re communicating.

Again, you don’t need to be married to get a ton out of this book. I’ve never been married, but I can personally confirm it’s helped me better understand my boyfriend and enriched our communication.

2. Communication in Marriage: How to Communicate with Your Spouse Without Fighting

This book was written by bloggers and authors Marcus and Ashley Kusi, the married couple behind Our Peaceful Family blog. They use their own experiences and challenges with communication in marriage to help other couples. I love that they wrote an accompanying workbook to complement the book, so couples can follow along.

3. Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Ways to Create More Love and Less Conflict

This book is written for the couples who can’t seem to have a discussion without it turning into an argument. It’s separated into three parts: Creating Intimacy, Avoiding Fights, and Solving Problems Without Bruising Egos. Author Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist who’s seen the damage that comes when couples fail to communicate in love. This one is great for couples who truly want to understand each other, but feel stuck in the “blame game.”

4. I Do Podcast

Married couple Chase and Sarah Kosterlitz have been married 11+ years. Together they host this podcast to give advice and inspiration to help couples have stronger, happier relationships. They interview some of the most successful and inspiring relationship experts, therapists and couples.

From their site: “I Do Podcast is all about inspiring young couples to create a fulfilling and happy relationship. Our weekly podcast will give you great advice to improve your relationship and fun ways to keep the spark alive…Our guests will provide daily tips to improve your relationship, advice for young couples, amazing books and resources and much more.”

Conclusion: 8 Caring Tips for Better Communication in Your Relationship

There ya have it, lovelies. Whether your communication skills are your special gift, or you find communicating with your SO to be as challenging as Morse code, you can use these tips to strengthen your relationship. As a quick reminder for the skimmers, here are my 8 tips for improving communication in your relationship:

Practice open and honest communication
Take time to hear about each other’s day
Reflect together
Don’t start an argument in “attack mode”
Argue with each other in love
Show your SO they’re a priority
Call out the good in your SO
Learn your SO’s communication style

Now put these tips into practice as you move forward with your loved one. Enjoy the journey of getting to know each other even better, and be patient with one another. You’re both learning. You’re both growing. You both want this to work. You are on the same side.

Related reading:

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Got questions? Drop ’em in the comments! I’m here to help.

Til next time, ya hot tamales.

Love, hugs and good vibes,

<3 Sav