Have you ever felt like you struggle more than other people when it comes to enjoying your life? I know that feeling, and it can be an exhausting thing to overcome. If you have a hard time enjoying life, or you’re constantly in a state of overwhelm and/or negativity, you might be holding onto toxic mindsets. We all have toxic thought patterns we hold onto. But what if I can help you notice some mindsets that might be holding you back from making the most of your life? After reading this post, you’ll learn some of the top toxic mindsets you need to release so you can learn how to enjoy life to its fullest, without your own thought patterns holding you back and stealing your happiness.
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Toxic Mindset 1: Defining yourself by your past
Have you ever wanted to drop a bad habit, make healthier choices, or aim for a new life goal, but you felt held back by past failures? And those failures made you feel like it wasn’t worth even trying?
Ugh, that feeling is the worst. You’re hit with that initial excitement and motivation to go do/experience this thing! And then soon after, you get a feeling of almost dread. Because you look back at how these things have worked out for you in the past, and you realize that you haven’t succeeded at them yet.
Defining yourself by your past failures or past mistakes is human nature. But it’s also a mindset that keeps you from enjoying your life. It stops you from doing the things you truly want to do. Because you’re discouraged before you even begin! When you’re learning how to enjoy your life, you gotta give yourself a clean slate AND permission to screw up without judgement.
Examples of defining yourself by your past
- Putting off your new healthy eating plan because you’ve been struggling to drop 10 pounds for the last year.
- Turning down a new potentially amazing relationship because of past failed relationships.
- Not starting your own business because you’ve tried that in the past but couldn’t make a profit.
- Not saving money for a fun trip because you have a habit of not being thrifty.
- Continuing to drink too much alcohol because you’ve failed to limit yourself in the past.
- Allowing your bad behaviors to continue because “you’ve always been like this.”
- Not going out with new friends because your past friendships have let you down.
Healthy mindset shift: It’s okay–and healthy!– to acknowledge your past failures or shortcomings. You don’t have to pretend they didn’t happen. But, you can shift your mindset. Make the decision that every second of your existence is another opportunity to grow and make changes.
One of my top tips for how to enjoy your life is this. Decide that your past failures won’t define who you are or your likelihood to succeed today. They are simply guides for how to improve.
Toxic Mindset 2: Playing the comparison game
Few things can seep the joy out of every experience and moment than comparison. And yes, you’ve probably heard about a million times that comparison isn’t helpful. But it’s something that we all do so naturally that it’s worth another friendly reminder that–Hey girl. Ya gotta quit that!
Whether it’s comparing your journey of personal or spiritual growth to someone else, wishing your vacation looked more like your co-worker’s, or comparing your pretty to another woman’s pretty, it’s all going to steal your joy.
You can’t enjoy your life to the fullest if you’re constantly side-eyeing someone else’s to see who’s is “better.” Sometimes, you gotta put on those blinders so you’re forced to drink in all the awesome that’s right in front (and inside) of you.
Why comparison is stopping you from enjoying your life
Firstly, that comparison cheapens your own experiences and journey. You’re basically telling your subconscious that nothing is good enough, ever, if someone else has it better.
So, instead of thinking how totally awesome it is that you can now do a 50 pound squat, you feel disappointed in yourself because some girl on Instagram is squatting 80 pounds like it’s a breeze. When the reality is, if you grew and you succeeded at reaching your goal, that’s a freaking awesome accomplishment!
Secondly, everyone is dealt different advantages, disadvantages, starting points, opportunities, strengths and weaknesses. You can’t compare your journey to someone else’s when the reality is that you were dealt a different hand. Everyone’s journey is going to start and end somewhere different.
Healthy mindset shift: Be grateful that your journey is your journey. Your life is your life, and your beauty is your beauty. Learn to be grateful for your unique experiences that no one else has. And choose to embrace every moment and experience for what it is, without sitting it side-by-side with someone else’s.
Toxic Mindset 3: Seeing yourself as the victim
It’s safe to say we’ve all seen ourselves as the victim at some time or another. And truthfully, we’ve probably been the victim in a number of situations in our lives.
But lately, I’ve been reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***, and it’s changed the way I view the things that I would consider “not my fault.” (This book is honestly life changing, and I can’t suggest it enough!)
Basically, you and I have both encountered things that were out of our control.
Maybe your parents got a divorce. Or, your boyfriend cheated on you. Or, you lost your job, a drunk driver totaled your car, a bird pooped on your head today at lunch, etc.
None of those things were in your control. You were collateral damage. A victim, essentially.
But while we can’t control those things, we can control what we do after.
When we (and please know, I am 100% including myself in this) use the things that have happened to us as excuses for why we behave a certain bad way, or why our lives are so sucky, we are embracing the toxic mindset of being the victim. You can’t enjoy life when everyone else has all the “power” to decide how your life is gonna go.
Why you need to stop being the victim to enjoy your life
This mindset steals both your joy and your power. Because it puts all the responsibility for your behavior and happiness on other people or events.
You put the blame for any negative thing or unhappiness on something else. Victimhood gives you and I the opportunity to say “Oh, this happened and that person screwed me over, so now (insert bad behavior, unhealthy coping mechanisms, general misery).”
When you see yourself as the victim, you can’t enjoy your life fully. Because your subconscious believes you can’t change your circumstances, so all the power is in other people’s hands.
When the reality is, you are responsible for your own happiness, growth, thoughts, and actions. Embrace this power, stop putting the blame on anything but yourself, and push yourself to grow.
Healthy mindset shift: Recognize that your thoughts, actions, and behaviors are all in your control. Don’t allow yourself to see you as the victim of your circumstances. Decide that you can, and will, own the responsibility for your life, regardless of circumstances out of your control. And then celebrate, because your life is about to get so much better.
Toxic Mindset 4: Waiting to be happy
Is it possible the reason you can’t seem to enjoy your life is because you’re subconsciously waiting to be happy? Are you depriving yourself of simple joy and celebrating small wins because you’re waiting for some bigger goal before finally allowing yourself to be happy?
This is something so many people, myself included, struggle with. The toxic mindset of postponing happiness.
It’s great to have goals and aspirations in life, of course. The struggle and the journey of trying to reach your goals are what gives us drive in life. But, when we keep telling ourselves, “I’ll be happy when xyz gets accomplished,” then we’ve shifted into an unhealthy mindset that stops us from enjoying the journey.
It’s almost like we think we don’t deserve to be happy if we haven’t reached our goals yet. Like, we can’t rest and celebrate until we’ve accomplished The Thing.
Why waiting to be happy is (obviously) not making you happy
When you tell yourself– either subconsciously or consciously–that you can’t be happy yet, you deprive yourself of all the joyous moments and happiness that you can’t ever get back. Yes, you will experience many more happy moments in the future, but this moment right now is something you can’t get back.
Time will pass either way, whether you reach your goal sooner or later. So why wait to be happy when you can enjoy the journey along the way?
Maybe you’re subconsciously putting off being happy until you:
- Buy your own home. You delay happiness by refusing to decorate or take care of the home you do have because you’re waiting for something better.
- Graduate college. You run yourself into the ground, don’t take care of your body or your mental health because you’re putting your grades before everything else.
- Get married. You waste your time wishing for marriage instead of enjoying the place you’re in (single or in a relationship). By doing that, you miss out on the opportunities in front of you.
- Lose the weight. You don’t buy new cute clothes that fit you because you’re trying to force yourself into the smaller sizes you used to wear. Instead of going out with friends, you hide away at home and swear you’ll go have fun when you’re “skinny.”
- Have more money. So convinced that you can’t be truly happy until you have money, you forget all you do have. Like amazing friends, a beautiful singing voice, a sweet four-legged friend, your faith, or your health, etc.
- Make it to Friday at 5 p.m. Friend, if you wait for Friday at 5 p.m. every week just to enjoy life and find something to be happy about, you are literally wishing away five days of your life every week. There are so many opportunities for true happiness in those five days.
All of these are wonderful goals if they’re what you truly want. But, having the toxic mindset that “I can’t be happy until…” is stopping you from fully enjoying your life NOW. Never forget that you and I are not guaranteed tomorrow.
So don’t delay happiness that you could be experiencing right now, for the big future goals you have for your life.
Healthy mindset shift: Choose to notice all the wonderful things about today. And do that every day. Keep after your goals, but learn to enjoy the journey! Don’t deprive yourself of a life full of joyful moments just because you haven’t reached one huge goal yet. You get to decide when you’ll be happy, and it might as well be now.
Toxic Mindset 5: Expecting perfection from yourself, instead of progress
Can I be honest with you for a second? The biggest thing that holds me back in life is my constant struggle with the need for perfection, rather than the drive for progress.
Maybe you can relate. My need for anything I do to be perfect and make everyone happy results in:
- Procrastination on the things that matter most to me
- Never sending a belated birthday message because I didn’t send it on the actual birthday, so now the message seems meaningless to me (obviously, the birthday person would rather have a late text than none, right?)
- Refusing to celebrate the small wins because I’m too busy kicking myself for everything I did wrong
- Generally seeping me of joy and a feeling of accomplishment because no matter how much progress and growth I’ve made, it’s never good enough
Friend, if you struggle with the pursuit of perfectionism over progress, you’re not alone. It’s enough to drive me crazy, but it’s something I work through every day.
If you’re struggling to figure out how to enjoy your life, this crazy high standard you hold yourself to might be part of the issue.
I’m dealing with this mindset even as I type these words. My thoughts are that this post isn’t good enough. It doesn’t cover enough. No one is going to find this helpful. I need to delete the whole thing and start over.
But if I give in to this toxic mindset every time I have these thoughts, I’ll never get anything done. I’ll never help anyone and I’ll be starting over for eternity.
My advice to you if you are dealing with that same unhealthy mindset is to recognize that progress is always better than the all-or-nothing mindset of perfectionism.
Why progress over perfection is one key for how to enjoy your life
Every small step of progress leads up to one big success over time. And, nothing is ever perfect. So, you’re better off pursuing and celebrating progress than procrastinating on something important to you until it’s “perfect.” Because it will probably never be perfect. At least, not in your standards.
But that’s why just starting, just taking that first teensy step is the most valuable thing you can do! You’ll never accomplish perfection, but you can accomplish progress every day.
Whether that’s your diet, your relationship, your career, your business, your schoolwork and grades, your craft, or journey of self love.
Healthy mindset shift (in the first person): I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to be making a little bit of progress continuously. I know that over time, I’ll get better and better just by taking small steps. If I wait until I’ve reached the “perfect” level, I know I’ll never get to grow. I choose to spend my life celebrating my small wins, finding the beauty in the progress, and finding happiness in the journey.
Toxic Mindset 6: Thinking you’re just not as “lucky” as other people
Have you ever noticed that some people just seem to get whatever they want? And then have you ever wondered, why do some people get all the luck? Why don’t things go that right for me?
The mindset that other people just have more luck than you and that’s why their lives are better than yours is very similar to the toxic mindset of seeing yourself as the victim.
In the mindset of being the victim, you blame people and outer circumstances for everything from not finding a long-lasting relationship or not having any friends, to oversleeping and being late to work. It’s a way of putting off the responsibility for bad behaviors, bad habits, and sucky situations.
With the mindset that other people are more lucky than you are, you’re still giving away your power by suggesting you don’t have what you need to make a life just as awesome as theirs.
Why luck is for shmucks
The reality is, you do have the power. You have all the power and tools you need to create your dream life, just as much as any other lucky person does.
We create our own luck by being a hard worker, a smart worker, open minded, reliable, helpful, an opportunity-grabber. Yes, sometimes there are people who seem to have everything work out smoothly for them right off the bat.
Yes, you might have to work harder than other people. But if you believe you can’t have what you want because you’re not lucky enough, that toxic mindset will hold you back from working hard and getting exactly where you want to go.
Don’t take that easy way out. Decide you have everything you need within you and around you, and go get it.
Healthy mindset shift: Remember that you create your own opportunities. Hold tight to the knowledge that you create your own reality. If you believe you can’t have or do something, you’re probably right. If you believe you can, then you will.
Toxic Mindset 7: Allowing your expectations to set the standard for happiness
Have you ever grabbed your friend’s drink by mistake and been totally taken aback when you didn’t get the flavor you expected? For example, maybe your friend had a black tea and you had a black coffee. You grab the tea, take a drink expecting it to taste like your coffee, so the tea taste comes as a shock.
Both the tea and the coffee are good, but when you expect one flavor and get another, it ends up tasting weird. It’s a surprise to your system, and you can’t even enjoy the delicious tea ‘cause, well. It’s supposed to be coffee!
Sometimes, your idea of what your life should look like is the biggest thing keeping you from happiness.
You might have a wonderful life, a happy relationship, a great career and loyal friends. But, if you always planned to have an expensive wedding, marry a millionaire who would fly you around in his private jet for weekends in Paris, and be interviewed on Oprah for being just so fabulous, then…
You might struggle to feel truly fulfilled because you had very different expectations of what your life would look like. Holding onto expectations, rather than learning to enjoy what you have is one of the biggest reasons people can’t enjoy life.
Why you need to hold onto dreams loosely to enjoy your life
When you cling too tightly to your plans and your standard of happiness, you miss out on what’s in front of you. Flexibility and the ability to roll with the tide is going to save you countless disappointments and frustrations throughout life.
Once you learn and accept that life rarely goes the way we plan it, you’ll be free to enjoy what you have. Even if what you have looks vastly different than what you pictured.
Important note: Pursuing the life you want is an amazing feeling, and I’m absolutely not suggesting that you shouldn’t hold yourself to a high standard. If your dream is to live on a beach somewhere writing novels or selling your photography while unwinding with a pina colada every night (okay fine–that’s my dream), then go chase that!
The point isn’t that you should just settle for what lands in front of you and not fight for your dream life. Rather, the point is that when your plans have to change or life throws you an unexpected plot twist, you don’t let those changes steal your happiness. It’s still a beautiful life to live, even if you have to shift your expectations a bit.
Healthy mindset shift: Learn to hold your plans with a loosely closed fist. Learn to appreciate the unexpectedness, and the crazy way things work out. Make big goals, chase them, but if and when things don’t go exactly as planned, learn to roll with it.
Remember that your standard for happiness won’t be the same your entire life.
And your expectations for the way you think your life should go will have to change sometimes, too. Instead of being devastated, use those changes as a personal challenge to find joy and light in every aspect of your life.
Toxic Mindset 8: Thinking life is like a movie
When I was a little kid, I used to watch a TV show called “Zaboomafoo.” If you’ve never seen this iconic series, it’s a kids’ show starring a ring tail lemur named Zaboomafoo. It largely covers anything about nature and wild animals.
Now in this show, there was an episode where the two creators of the show (the Kratt brothers) came out to demonstrate how animals survive in the wild and find food. To make it more relatable to their audience of tiny humans, they started digging with their hands into the snow until they discovered–ta-da!–a steaming cup of hot chocolate and a granola bar.
Young Sav was shook. No one had told me there were granola bars and hot chocolates just lying around in nature! So naturally, when I later discovered that was, in fact, not at all true, I was super disappointed.
(A kid who never believed in Santa Clause, but somehow believed hot chocolate just existed in snow banks. Eesh.)
Some false movie ideas we’ve adopted that steal our happiness
The point of this long and embarrassing story is simply that sometimes, we lose sight of reality when we get caught up in our movies and TV shows. We kinda forget how to enjoy real life because we start to subconsciously think things like…
- Every relationship is happy, flirtatious and full of romantic boat rides. All the time. If it’s not, then we’re missing out and would be better off dumping our wonderful boyfriend to chase someone who owns a boat.
- This idea = unhappiness because you give up on a beautiful relationship for the romanticized idea that a good relationship is happy and super fun 24/7.
- The bad guy always gets what’s comin’ to him/her. If they don’t, we’re infuriated by every moment of their success. We keep waiting for the piano to fall on their head.
- This idea = unhappiness because you spend your valuable energy on resentment and negativity, which seeps you of your strength. You can’t be happy in your life when you’re hoping for the failure of others.
- We deserve to get that big break in our career, and/or any other success we feel we deserve. If we don’t, we can hardly believe the injustice that’s been done and whoever did get our spot must have paid someone off.
- This idea = unhappiness because it turns every slight and every rejection into a personal attack on you. When the reality is that things don’t always go our way, and no one is out to get you.
Basically, anything behind a screen isn’t real. Or, it’s at least somewhat inaccurate. But it’s not just movies and television shows that are misleading.
The lives you see behind the screen of social media aren’t what they seem to be either. There’s usually at least one filter, a caption that either took an hour to write or is just a quote from a philosopher the post-er found while Googling “best inspirational quotes.”
All of these fictitious, filtered, and fabricated stories and portrayals of reality can feel like a fat rain cloud over our happiness parade. We start to think that life is supposed to go the way it does in movies. When we all get the guy or girl, live in a completely white kitchen, and go out for drinks with the girls every Saturday.
And while life is full of these types of wonderful things, they aren’t a given. And they’re not a constant. When life starts to suck, it’s not because something is “wrong” necessarily. It’s just life being life.
The sooner we come to expect the lows with the highs, the sooner we stop feeling devastated or outraged every time things don’t go the way we want.
Healthy mindset shift: Get motivated and inspired to create the life you want. But be mentally prepared for when things start feeling more like the plot twist of the movie than the happy ending. Sometimes the plot twist is short-term, and other times it can go on for years.
The key is to shift your mind to recognize that life is not like a movie, and when we face challenges or heartbreak, that’s just part of existing. To accept the hardships with the movie moments is to find peace. And to understand that the plot twist is what makes the happy ending that much more satisfying.
(I’m aware there’s an opportunity for an inappropriate joke there, but I’m gonna let it go for now.)
Conclusion: 8 Toxic mindsets that stop you from enjoying your life
Well friend, there you have it! The 7 toxic mindsets that are super common for people to struggle with, that are responsible for stealing our joy and stopping us from enjoying life the way we deserve! Now that you can start to recognize these mindsets when you’re facing them, you’ve got the power to shift your mindset to one that’s much more helpful and healthy.
Are you struggling with being loving and patient with yourself on this journey called life? That definitely makes it harder to deal with toxic mindsets! Head to my blog post on 47 Positive Affirmations for Self Worth to find some great affirmations and mantras to overcome your feelings of self doubt!
Til next time, ya hot tamale.
